Sharing the news of your planned emigration can be a challenge.
So, you have been thinking about emigration for quite some time. Weighing the pros and cons: Should I stay, or should I go?
We sometimes move from the familiar to the unfamiliar because “something, elsewhere” is more attractive than what we currently have, and the prospect of achieving that “something” is impossible without leaving. Ultimately, it boils down to the challenge of making the move to create a better life for yourself, your partner, and your children.
You have analysed all the data and you have decided: We are emigrating!
Conflicting emotions
It is safe to say that among all the changes human beings face throughout their lives, few are as encompassing and complex as those accompanying the emigration process. This is true not only for the emigrant but also for those left behind. Moving abroad, whether temporary or permanently, can be an experience of a lifetime. It can be scary, breath taking, thrilling, terrifying and stimulating all at the same time. Such a life-changing decision cannot be taken lightly, especially if there are dependants that will be uprooted in the process.
Over the past decades an increasing number of people have left South Africa; driven by a host of reasons ranging from politics to feeling unsafe, job opportunities or a yearning for exploration and adventure. Usually, there are more than one reason that triggers the decision to emigrate. Some leave with the intention to emigrate permanently, only to return after a period of time. Others plan to spend only a limited time overseas before deciding to stay on indefinitely.
Difficult choices
The “drama” of emigration generally begins long before the physical act of leaving the country. There are practical arrangements that need to be considered: selling house(s) and car(s), arranging visas, transferring bank accounts and insurances, finding new schools and homes – all an administrative nightmare! In this whirlpool of emigration logistics, it is easy to neglect your mental wellbeing while dealing with all the practicalities. This period may be so psychologically draining that you may wonder if it is all worth the effort.
Still, all the admin and logistics do not come close to the experience of emotional turmoil and upheaval in the months preceding the big move. Part of this upsetting emotional side of the emigration journey is the actual moment of telling the significant people in your life that you are leaving.
Why is it important to tell your loved ones?
Emigration is seldom a singular affair – it involves many role players, not only the emigrant. The emigration process results in a stressful time for individuals and families even when the emigration is voluntary. Informing loved ones is of value to both you and the ones remaining. It allows them to take part in your journey, to process this new information and find a way to make sense of and come to terms with your decision. This allows the people closest to you to get used to the idea of forfeiting the relationship as it was and to start preparing for a new life without you.
For you as the emigrant the approval of family members is of comfort, especially your parents’ “blessing” can be of great benefit in this lengthy process. Usually, adult children still need their parents’ blessing (if not approval) for making life-changing decisions that affect the larger family – such as emigration.
For healthy continuance of the relationships, sharing your decision will open valuable communication channels and pave the way for future discussions.
When and where to tell
There is no set way to break the news about your leaving: prepare wisely. Carefully choose the timing and location. It is nearly impossible to pinpoint exactly when to tell loved ones that you are emigrating. You may be reluctant due to a possible negative reaction to your decision. Yet, keeping the news of your emigration to yourself and carrying the burden on your own can play havoc with your stress hormones. If you are worried about the emotional reaction of one parent, maybe consider breaking the news to the other parent first. It is not fair to leave parents to deal with a shocking last-minute revelation, ill-prepared for this massive change.
Although every emigration journey is unique, it is generally best to inform your loved ones as soon as you have made a definite decision. This will allow for more discussion and a supportive environment throughout the emigration journey. If possible, share your plans to move at least a couple of months in advance. Not only will this give your loved ones plenty of time to process the news, but also give you some close confidantes during such a stressful time. Your planned move represents a huge life change for all involved. Therefore, timing is important. You do not want your loved ones to find out about your decision from someone else or through another medium: tell them in person.
Consider a location where they will feel most comfortable to express their feelings. Make an appointment in a private setting, preferably at home. Take the time and tell them in detail about your future plans and the reasons for your decision. Allow them the time to see things from your perspective. Respect the fact that they might feel excluded. Be considerate and empathetic when telling your parents. Soften the blow with discussing the ways that you will stay in touch – frequent visits, frequent calls and e-mails.
What to expect
Close friends and family will probably not be excited about your leaving. This is a perfectly human response. In such situations, feelings of sadness, disappointment and anxiety are all normal for family and close friends. Responses from parents, family and friends can range from hurtful or angry to confrontational or everything in-between. The big news may confront your family with past unresolved emotional issues. The history of previous departures will play a role and might be a preview to their reaction regarding your current decision.
It is comforting to know that parents who were involved at an early stage in the decision-making process show less resistance to their children’s decision to emigrate. It might not diminish the loss parents experience, but being part of the process will assist them in coping with you leaving.
This conversation is never one-sided; therefore, you need to be ready for cross-examination. Be prepared for your parents’ feedback – they will want you to respond to their concerns. They will likely want to find out more, like why you want to leave, whether you sized up your plans for the future properly? So, be prepared. Not only should you know these answers for your own peace of mind, but also articulate it properly to the people who care about you. Having clear, concrete answers to their questions is likely what they need to hear to be comforted.
Own your decision
There is no easy way to share the news to your parents that you and your family, (i.e., including their grandchildren) will depart soon. Your decision to emigrate has a ripple effect on each role-player and the onset of this emotional roller coaster starts the minute you inform your loved ones. By being well prepared, you will improve the chances of gaining the full support of your family. This will create a safe environment for both you and your loved ones during the challenging first couple of months after your emigration.
Whatever their response, you will have to own your decision. Have the courage to say: “I have made a choice. It is a difficult one, but this is my choice. I accept full responsibility.”
“Immigration is an emotional issue. And it ought to be an emotional issue because it affects people’s lives.” – Stephin Miller
Sulette Ferreira is a migration therapist in private practice. Contact Sulette at:
sulette.ferreira@gmail.com
www.drsulette.com
www.instagram.com/drsulette
