by Hendrika Jooste
Too many of us have very hurtful stories of how family and friends reacted when we told them that we were thinking of or starting the process to emigrate. You would hear phrases like: “You are a traitor to your country and your people,” “You don’t have enough faith,” or “I am never talking to you again, you are cut off from this family”.
Being criticised never feels good. It can make you feel judged. Most people’s reaction to criticism is to get defensive, make excuses, or blame someone else. None of those options are especially constructive. Some people will even go out of their way to try and persuade the critic to see it your way, but that is a strategy that rarely works.
It’s up to you how you choose to react to criticism. You can see it as a personal attack, or you can embrace it (know that they react that way because they love you), get the positives out of it, and move on. If you feel skeptical about criticism having any benefits, here are some excellent reasons why you should embrace it.
1. Use criticism for personal growth
Often, criticism contains more than a grain of truth, even if it is delivered a bit harshly. That’s partly why it makes you uncomfortable—deep down it rings true, even if you don’t want to admit it. Let’s be honest with each other. If we had a choice, we would stay in South Africa, grow old with our siblings, and see our grandchildren grow up in sunny South Africa. The fact is that things are not so peachy anymore and it took many long sleepless nights, conversations, and research, to take this step. In your mind you are lightyears ahead of the people whom you just informed of this decision.
Think of criticism as another element in your personal development toolbox, one that offers insight you might otherwise miss. If nothing else, observing and managing how you react to criticism can shine a spotlight on your triggers, your unconscious reactions, and assumptions.
2. Develop emotional resilience
Criticism usually comes laden with emotions. Your family and friends are also in shock, and they need time to process the news. You on the other hand feel shamed, upset, and attacked. Learning to embrace criticism can help you become more emotionally resilient as you learn how to sit with your uncomfortable emotions instead of reacting blindly. Remember, this is the beginning of a long emotional roller coaster ride. If you can’t handle your family and friends’ critique, how are going to cope with the criticism in you new host country with regards to your accent, your English grammar (if English is your second language), your customs, your religion and your belief systems?
Practicing detachment takes you to a mental place where you can use your problem solving skills. You can listen, assess, analyse, and work out what lessons to take away from the experience.
Embracing criticism can also help you step away from needing other people’s approval to feel good about yourself. Once you see criticism as potentially helpful feedback, it stops being a judgment of you as a person.
3. Improve relationships
Once you stop reacting (or over-reacting) to feedback, you allow more space for openness, honesty, and better communication. People can talk to you about problems without feeling they have to walk on eggshells.
Embracing criticism makes for much better relationships as there are fewer barriers or “no go” areas. You don’t want to be seen as prickly, difficult, or defensive, nor do you want to have your self-worth depend on other people’s good opinion of you.
4. Improve your active listening skills
Feedback time is not a time to talk, it is a time to listen. Try to understand what the other person is saying. Maybe it is an aspect of your emigration process that you haven’t thought of yet. What initially feels like criticism may offer valuable insight, for example: the grandparents are stressed about no longer seeing the grandchildren as often as they used to. With the current world situation, it is a reality for everybody. This is a good opportunity to have a family meeting and discuss which barriers are perceived as unsurpassable, and to work on strategies to conquer these barriers.
5. Boost self-confidence
Embracing criticism will free you from the curse of perfectionism. You can accept that making mistakes is human, and that being criticised is actually okay, even helpful. Accept that criticism is part of everyday life and you’ll be more confident, happier, and freed up to be your best you.
Nobody can make this decision for you and your family. You know what is best and nobody else has the right to judge your decision. Making the decision is extremely difficult and those who criticise really should understand that it is not a decision taken lightly.
If you are struggling with a situation like this or are looking for support on how to deal with it, contact Hendrika Jooste at The Migrant Whisperer. This topic is also covered in her book, Your D.I.Y Move Guide to Australia, available on Amazon and the website www.yourmoveguide.com.
ALSO READ: Emigration and relocation: Make it easy for your children
