By Dr Chamonix Terblanche
Migrating to a new country, with all that is so unfamiliar initially, is one of the hardest and most pivotal steps one can take. You’re probably all too familiar with the undue stress involved in your workplace environment, always having to adapt to the ever-changing landscape around you, in order to survive. But you’re far more adept at being able to cope with these life-altering decisions than your children are – or are you?
For us, being torn away from family and everything that is familiar to us, can be both terrifying and overwhelming as we grieve for what we have left behind. And as a parent, we’re responsible for the decisions we make for our children, and often the basis of our motivation to migrate is wanting to provide them with a safe and secure future, filled with abundant opportunities.
What we don’t realise though, is that our children are far more emotionally resilient, than what we give them credit for. With globalisation mounting, especially since the passing of the pandemic, our children are now classed as third-generation children.
So, as you ponder both the fears and motivations that caused you to migrate, you have no doubt faced conflicting thoughts about your children, how they are coping, and whether you moved at the right time in your and their lives.
Sadly, there is no one correct answer to these questions (oh, how I wish there were!) and your personal situation will always be different from many others around you. But one often forgets that so many other families have done exactly the same and we tend to underestimate how resilient our little ones are, no matter their age.
As you journey along, you’ll be able to learn from other people’s experiences and irrespective of their age, the more time you spend planning your move and involving your children in these plans, helping them to understand why you’re making the move – the more likely you are to achieve success.
Generally speaking, and considering the cut-off age for Skilled Visas is usually 45, there has mostly been a trend in parents with younger children migrating more so than with teenagers. However, with Australia facing the current skill-shortage crisis, there seem to be many more “older” parents – with teenage children – making their way over to Aus.
I’ve always considered younger children to be more adaptable and open to change, and therefore easier to move, especially if moving to a country that does not speak the native tongue (as is for many of our fellow Afrikaans, Zulu or Xhosa speaking South Africans). The younger the age of the child, the earlier they seem to be able to adapt to speaking a new language, especially if they are fully immersed in it.
When it comes to mothers with younger children, it seems easier to be able to find a place to fit in, adapt and connect, whether it be at the local park or play area, or even a birthday party. Whereas those with older children, may have fewer opportunities for interaction. This is especially true when it comes to parent involvement and may be more of a struggle, requiring a lot more effort in order to fully integrate with your older children.
Older children may also be more resistant to the idea of migration due to the fact that they may be more established in their school environment, already heavily reliant in their social circle as they have to face leaving friends and of course will have the more complicated issues to deal with, in terms of their education. On the other hand, they may have a better understanding when it comes to different cultures, they retain far more, and as a result they’re able to gain so much more from the experience as a whole.
When it comes to schooling, Australia is for the most part really well set-up to provide support to new students and in most instances, do their best to accommodate them, especially knowing that English may not be your child’s first language.
It’s also important to remember that our children pick up a lot from us, and so providing them with an emotionally stable, nurturing environment is key to helping them settle. A home environment should be a sanctuary for your child to be able to flourish – a place where they will feel protected and which will allow them to go out and do battle in the world, and return home again to recharge and thrive. In most instances, it is simply just a matter of time.
Time enough for your child to begin to settle down, and as they spend more time in their new environment they may start to realise the great things about their new home and in turn, the benefits of, and reasons for their relocation. Allow them, and yourself, that period of adjustment. Try not to have many expectations from them during this time, especially from an academic standpoint (which we may inherently have, as very driven, hard-working South Africans).
Give your children the space that they need, to adjust and fit in. As South Africans it is ingrained in us to perform and achieve early on from a pre-school level, and so it’s very important to take heed of the fact that the culture, values and ethos may be slightly different in Australia.
Finding a church, a hobby or a sport can often be regarded as a safety net for the challenges that you will be faced with, not only because the similarities in the beginning will help to reinforce your values as well as ground you, but will also help you to start etching your roots and foundations, as you settle and find where you belong. Embrace your culture and hold on to your identity (of who you are, your heritage and your values) because it’s so important when it comes to cultural integration.
Hold on to a positive sentiment about who you are and why you made the move, without forsaking your identity, so that it easily translates through to your children. Encourage bravery and determination amongst your children by allowing them the opportunity to build on their resilience and grit, without giving up too quickly, despite the challenges they may face.
Encourage them to try new things and to put themselves out there, while providing them the much-needed support along the way. Stand beside them and allow them to put one foot forward at a time. A huge determining factor in your child’s future success in life, is their ability to overcome challenges. You are therefore possibly not only providing your child with better opportunities by making the move, but you’re also allowing them the opportunity to grow on an emotional level by developing the grit that they will need later on in life, affording them the chance to thrive and succeed.
In Episode 115 on Chamonix TV, I was able to chat with a panel of fellow migrants from South Africa, who opened up about their personal experiences of migrating with children of differing ages. Dr. Gerda Scholtz, a qualified migration life coach, shared with us what it was like moving over with a 16-year-old daughter. Vonne Lombard settled in Sydney two years ago with her two kids who are now aged 9 and 11, and Marlize Pretorius, a school chaplain, whose children were still very young toddlers at the time, made the move some ten years ago already.
