Just this one Christmas …

(COVID and the pain of being apart)

News article headings following the discovery of the new Omicron Covid-19 variant in, among others, Southern Africa, said it all: “I cried and cried”: South Africans devastated over travel ban (News 24, 2021/11/28); “It’s heart-breaking – people are devastated. OR Tambo airline passengers hard hit by travel ban” (Daily Maverick, 2021/11/28).

After Christmas 2020, where holiday plans were cancelled or extended due to the second wave of the pandemic, many people were placing their hopes on Christmas 2021 to make up for lost time. People want to unwind with a holiday of a lifetime – a well-deserved rest after another challenging year. As we continue to navigate through the pandemic, families living apart due to emigration are affected in a very specific way.

These transnational families are missing out on being with loved ones. Some of these families have been planning to be with one another, for years. They have yearned to spend the Christmas holidays together, catching up on lost conversations, lost moments, and lost time with loved ones. Some have longed to see their grandchildren for the first time. Just one Christmas together…

With the latest travel ban looming in December 2021, however, this dream has yet again, been shattered.

Emigration and the pain of being apart

Of all the changes that human beings face throughout their lives, few are as far-reaching and complex as those taking place during emigration. Nowadays, emigration is a major cause of ambiguous loss as we are separated from loved ones and physically absent from their lives, maybe even forever. Emigration signifies a life-changing experience; not only for the emigrant but also for the ones left behind. Emigration cannot simplistically be defined in terms of grief and loss or opportunity and adventure. The person emigrating has physically moved: not only between neighbourhoods, suburbs, or towns. They have physically moved to another country, even to another time zone. Therefore, there is an added loss of proximity due to geographical distance. This geographical distance has a life-altering effect on the relationship, as it was once known. This can lead to an uncanny ‘chronic sadness’ and feelings of ambiguity.

With emigration, each role player experiences a variety of losses in a unique way. On the one hand, emigrants who makes this life-changing decision finds themselves in a liminal space of which they need to make sense anew. They experience the deprivation of mother tongue, familiar environment, traditional values and customs, family structures, and perhaps the way they express their faith. But especially the closeness of family members and loved ones. On the other hand, those who stay behind, experience their loved ones as physically unattainable after emigration. For both, however, the idea of loss and longing runs through the whole emigration process, like a golden thread.

Ambiguous loss

This type of loss is called ambiguous loss. Ambiguous loss has been the inspiration of countless books and epic films – the same loss we read about in the headlines of current newsfeed articles on the travel ban. It draws attention to the powerlessness of the actors. In the throes of a pandemic, we typically think of loss as a black and white event, such as the death of a loved one. But with an ambiguous loss no one has died, there is no funeral where we can express heartache and grief and go home. There are no rituals.

An ambiguous loss is an unclear loss that continues without resolution or closure. Whether it is the result of an unexpected diagnosis, the end of a marriage, infertility, the loss of a loved one due to emigration, or a family member being physically alive but in a state of cognitive decline. Ambiguous loss is immobilising, confusing and one that defies closure. It is also one of the most difficult losses to deal with. Pauline Boss of the University of Minnesota defines this ‘ambiguous loss’ (unresolved loss) as an uncertain and incomplete loss that can slow down and hamper the grieving process. Boss distinguishes between two types of unresolved loss:

With the first type, the person is physically present but emotionally absent, for example, sufferers of Alzheimer’s disease, severe depression, dependence, chronic illnesses, as well as addiction to work or computer games. The person may be physically present but is experienced as emotionally ‘absent’. With the second type, the person may be psychologically present but physically absent. Examples of these include loved ones who have emigrated, divorce, and a child given up for adoption. Closure is complicated by the knowledge that the person is alive but cannot be approached.

The ambiguity renders the person experiencing it to be frozen in time. What follows are the unanswered questions about what could have been, what should have been, and especially the indescribable longing to be together.

A longing to be together

This emotion of longing can creep up on you unexpectedly. You may be perfectly fine and then suddenly: hearing a song or watching a scene in a movie, and immediately that empty feeling returns. A feeling that is so heavy on your heart, it physically hurts.

Emotions like longing serve to maintain and confirm relationships. The longing to be embraced, to touch and be touched remains a hope and aspiration: an aspiration that has been challenged by the presence of COVID where our sense of normality has been upended. Covid 19 has robbed families from life-defining moments. The Omicron variant is taking it to yet another level.

Travel restrictions may be well-intended, but it barricades you from being with your loved ones and that hurts. It is as if somebody pressed the ‘pause’ button and put your life on hold. Again. Our dreams are placed on hold. These ambiguous wounds are not easily bandaged especially when we feel unsure about the loss or unable to verbalise what has taken place.

A paradigm shift

With this type of life-changing loss, our sense of order and meaning is threatened, even shattered, and we struggle to adjust. There are no clear-cut answers to dealing with ambiguous loss. Finding meaning is a very personal and complex challenge.

Please know that you are not alone! There are many people in similar situations, not only in South Africa, but across the world, wanting to be with their loved ones.

We often measure good relationships by the quality of togetherness and how physically present and actively involved we are within our family circle. We therefore have a need for regular visits and to provide ‘hands-on’ care. Emigration makes this very difficult and causes migrants to sometimes feel powerless. Following emigration, we need to learn to think differently about our involvement and develop new ways to stay in touch with family who are far away. We need to create a paradigm shift in the way we measure good relationships, as we rethink the way we stay connected. So how do we preserve these relationships with loved ones when we cannot be with them? Three possible solutions lie in exploiting the opportunities provided by modern communication technologies, planning for physical engagements and adapting to the circumstances.

The challenge to maintain transnational communication and preserve the relationship with a loved one requires considerable emotional investment. Modern communication technologies provide distant family members the means to preserve connectivity. For example, e-mail, WhatsApp and Skype have created a ‘global village’ in which transnational families can communicate with each other across the world, enhancing the immediacy and frequency of contact between loved ones.

While much emotional investment goes into upholding transnational contact, being physically together is still the goal for most transnational families. The need to reunite with our loved ones and to be together in a tangible way, leads to action that covers great geographical distances. Visits are about reuniting families and the goal is to make meaning of the separation, to share stories and to reinforce family identity that could have been lost during the time of separation.

Be creative

There are unfortunately many things outside our control that greatly impact our lives. Outside circumstances often hit hard, making life very difficult. But by realising that these circumstances are beyond your control and not your fault, we can adapt and make new plans. Move the goalposts. Re-plan. Create new rituals. For example, if we will not be together for Christmas let us then plan to be together for Easter. Make these plans as soon as possible to have something new to look forward to. Don’t delay, emigration reminds us how precious every moment is! Plan to have your Christmas meal via the Internet. Most importantly, do not cancel your festivities. Celebrate what is important to you. Improvise, be creative and make it a memorable event for all involved. Still have fun and celebrate even though we are physically far from our loved ones.

Knowing that your loved ones want to be with you as much as you want to be with them does ease the pain. It confirms that both value the relationship, want to be together and want to cherish this special bond. In that lies a lot of comfort. In that lies the meaning of being loved despite being time zones apart.