You can still remember the excitement that accompanied the good news. A job offer abroad! Now that’s something to write home about. How could you not allow your spouse this opportunity? Talks about the salary immediately sparked your imagination, but nobody told you about the knot in your stomach that would follow. “Abroad” is just a nice word for “far from home”, and the move will get to you. Here are a few tips and words of wisdom to overcome the dreaded trailing spouse syndrome.
Accepting a job offer abroad is not a strange phenomenon. On the contrary, it is a goal that many strive to. Within the context of a marriage a new job will often be more complicated than just the initial “yes”, as there are two people involved.
The term “trailing spouse” was first used in 1975 by Mary Bralove in the Wall Street Journal to express the experience of a spouse that had to emigrate as a result of her husband’s new job.
Despite the wonderful opportunity for the development of a career, there is a series of challenges every spouse will face after a move overseas. Ignoring these challenges or simply shrugging them off won’t do anyone any good. Let’s therefore identify the most obvious problems you may encounter, so you can take the next step and put trailing spouse syndrome in its place.
Career disruption
While it may seem like your spouse’s career is advancing, you might feel unnerved by the disruption of your own career. You probably had to leave behind your own objectives in your home country and exchange your home language for a foreign one. Perhaps your visa doesn’t allow you to get employment where you live now, or you have to make a change of career in order to earn a salary. There are many career-related challenges!
Culture shock
Besides losing your job, you also have to get used to a foreign culture. Culture shock is a reality for the trailing spouse who had to leave their comfort zone to explore a new environment. It can take a significant period of time to adapt to a new reality and the shock might not hit you immediately. Sometimes it is a gradual buildup of events which can lead to a breaking point. This shock can be difficult to process since it cannot be attributed to one single reason, but rather a series of circumstances that gradually builds up to it.
Trailing spouse syndrome however doesn’t need to become a reality. If you are struggling with these complex feelings, of even see it in your spouse, the following tips might help you to feel better.
How to curb trailing spouse syndrome
- Build a support network
As humans we have the desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. If you don’t feel as if you belong somewhere it can lead to a deep discomfort, with consequences that may not be visible immediately. It is therefore advisable to join a group in your new country – such as a church or club – as soon as you can. This will enable you to start building a support network: a place where you will belong. These groups can offer excellent emotional support and establish new friendships and valuable resources.
Please visit AfriForum’s World Guide to find a church, club or expat business in your new area. Networks are not only for businesses, it is also a valuable way to build a support base for those days when the yearning for what is familiar becomes too much.
- Communicate your feelings to your spouse
Communication is a key ingredient in the marriage recipe. As soon as you feel that your frame of mind is moving towards trailing spouse syndrome or even expat depression, it is important to communicate these feelings to your partner. They can only help you if they are aware of the fact that you need their support. These types of conversations may feel awkward, but they are also life-changing. You should therefore schedule regular quality time as a couple, so you can feel safe to share what is in your heart.
- Prioritise your health
During times when you are struggling with your frame of mind, your physical well-being is critical. Physical exercise has a significant positive effect on your mood and will make you feel more content, relaxed and refreshed. So, on the days that you feel down, go for a walk or jog, or ride a bike. The fresh air and exercise will do you good!
It is also important to look at your emotional welfare. Whenever you realise you are trying to isolate yourself, you need to make conscious decisions to counteract it, since isolation will cause your mood to take a turn for the worse. Visit your new friends and do things that will brighten your soul. There is a whole new world waiting for you; explore it! From new restaurants and dishes to breathtaking landscapes and cute shops – there is a whole range of adventures you cannot miss.
- Let your eagerness to learn triumph
Learn to speak a new language, get a hobby, start your own business, or pursue a new area of study! If you have time at your disposal, the world is your oyster. Stay productive and be brave enough to find your own way in this new environment.
Being a trailing spouse has its own set of challenges, but it also offers opportunities for personal and professional growth. By approaching this journey with a positive attitude, open communication and a proactive outlook, a trailing spouse can overcome obstacles and have a fulfilling life in a new place. Embracing new experiences, building a support network, and focusing on personal development is key in attempting this unique journey successfully. Remember, the journey of a trailing spouse can be transformative, which can lead to new strong points and resilience which can be to the benefit of both individuals as well as their relationship – the so-called trailing spouse syndrome doesn’t need to have a grip on you.
